T & L: the break up #3
the next day i get a message from L...
L: what's the skinny? (what does that term mean? anyone ever ask what's the fat?)
a few mins go by...
L: uh oh i scared her away
me: no im here...just searching for something....
L: np... so rumor has it we're kind of a no-go? :)
me: yeah... sorry about that....we really like the two of you as people, just dont want the sexual stuff anymore. :(
L: well shouldn't do anything with anyone unless it's what you want...i mean ultimately this kind of experience needs to be about having fun with people you have a connection with (personality/attraction)...
L: wow...didn't realize that was gonna be a deal-breaker. i don't drink very much (T does sometimes, more so in social situations -- including swinging ones) and sure, T does smoke but she's respectful of other people (she won't smoke in a home that is smoke-free for example). well hey, you've gotta have your principles. a thing that could mean nothing to one person could mean everything to another. everyone's got their own line to draw. some people would avoid people who snort coke or do E or smoke pot (we don't do drugs -- we have done pot before in the past but not really our thing anyway). or they'll avoid axe murderering leprechauns (that's a pretty standard one actually)
at this point i had a feeling that there was an underlying "thats a stupid reason to break up with us" tone in his type...
L: i don't know -- i think my thing when it comes to any vice is i sort of put it as: how does this affect a person's fundamental personality and behaviour? if they function normally and the vice is just part of them, then it's under control. if the vice is so deep into them that it runs them and their life is completely planned around catering to that vice without any room for leeway, that's usually dangersville (y'know like people who go on 3-day benders and then go for a drive or gambling addicts who take their paycheque straight to the casino etc). boy do i ramble. we like you guys...just feel frustrated....i mean, some people might not find us attractive (yeah, hard to imagine ;) -- kidding of course). and there was one couple that for some reason found me creepy (apparently, after we and they had exchanged sevearl sets of pix, me asking for pix another time was "creepy" -- go figure). and some people maybe just don't have compatible personalities -- i mean, that can be a huge problem. some people just don't have chemistry and it doesn't work. (then again somewhere out there, there's some guy going "Why don't the ladies like me? I don't live in a crack house; it's a crack HOME.")
me: i know what youre saying. i guess the smoking thing isnt big to me since i used to be a smoker, but for Y its a big thing...more so that he really thought i guess. i quit 2 weeks before i met him and we both think that we would never have gotten together if i was still a smoker when i first met him
L: weird...i used to be a die-hard anti-smoker. i think the school system drilled that into me. but i had 4.5 good years with my ex (well...maybe not all of them were good but most were and i can't fault smoking for those that weren't). and if I was still thinking that way, i'd have never found T. sure, one could argue that had i not found her, perhaps i'd have found someone else and so i'd never know what i was missing. but i love T with everything i've got and if i don't even like to think about what my life would be life if i hadn't met her. not that i'm just a fragment of a person without her or anything but she brings so much to my life and i like to think i do the same to hers. you guys seem really happy too -- i don't know, not trying to get all preachy but is it something so awful that it would mean the difference between potentially a lifetime of love or not? then, like i said, everyone's got their values and their limits. none are necessarily right or wrong. everyone's just gotta decide for themselves what truly matters.
ok, now hes talking about life-time love? so he loves T and she smokes...but we arent looking to fall in love with them. hes starting to creep me out a little bit...
L: hell, even though we have a home that has smoke in it, T will smoke outside (and have others do the same) for parties and stuff because she doesn't like non-smokers to feel uncomfortable (if it bothered me enough, she'd smoke outside too but i like her to feel comfortable also...i'd like her to quit and she wants to also...but i want her to quit when it's time for her to do it -- i tried to nag my ex into quitting and all it led to was 4 unsuccessful and stressful attempts and a lot of fighting
me: yeah, but even though i dont mind smoke, i dont think i could date a smoker now....for me its the fact of watching someone i love kill themselves, but you know...everyone has what they find attractive. its just a huge turn off for Y.
how many times do i have to say that? does he think durring his rambling Y is suddenly going to decide that he is wonderfully attracted to smoking?
L: i mean if before i'd met T someone had said "okay so she smokes, used to be a sex addict when she had self-esteem issues, has a pathological fear of needles and will become diabetic which will be a nightmare in some ways" -- i might have run screaming and never looked back. most people do one thing or another that is destructive either to themselves or to others (or both) in some way. could be smoking, drinking, drugs, could be physical abuse, sexual abuse, could be committing crimes (which means you're visiting them in jail), could be gambling, could be fatty foods, too much caffeine, being a workaholic, having a disease, being self-obsessed, being judgmental ,being racist or homophobic or part of a satanic cult or sexist or any number of other things across the spectrum: physical,emotional, spiritual, psychological,sexual. any of the above is arguably bad; sometimes very bad. love can be blind to these things -- sometimes it's better that it is; sometimes not
as you can see, ive typed about two sentances to him...he just keeps going. im not sure if he is upset about our decision, or mad at some underlying dislike in his relationship...
L continues: then again, swingers can be an odd bunch -- when you pledge your life to someone you love, you need to make sure you're both pretty matched up. but if it's another couple, you can be like "oh so you're dying eh? wow...yeah, that's um...yeah that's too bad. wow. annnnnnyway, it's been a slice. of CRAP, that is! haha! sucks to be you!" not everyone is quite so cold though....
me: rambly mc ramblton...thats what i'll call you but also with swingers we are all really here to have fun sexually with people we are attracted to. if there is something that one is not attracted to then its a deal breaker for both
L: tis true; that's the way she blows (so to speak...arrrrrr). and it can be frustrating at times if one feels one way and one feels the other but when in doubt or when there's disagreement, always better to go with the one who's not comfortable. T and i have felt the same way: if either of us is a "no", it's a no. it should never be any other way.
me: indeed
L: we're both kind of sad and disappointed that Y feels that way but if it's how he feels, he's got that right and it's not the kind of thing that's to be debated or reasoned out: gut feelings are needed in this type of deal. it's gotta be comfortable. if he happens to change his mind, cool but not counting on. besides, once we feel not wanted, kinda hard to work that anyway (well take the couple that found me creepy -- not like i'm in a big hurry to want to do stuff with them anytime soon -- why would i want to be around someone who finds me creepy when so many people don't?). you guys do seem like cool people though...and attractive (well Y's not quite my type of course but T likes him...and of course we both like you :)) ok now it's your turn to ramble mindlessly ;0
me: ha, we never wanted to make you feel unwanted. :( man do i feel horrible. i really hope that we can still have fun without sex if we run into eachother again
L: i'm sure we can...you guys are fun people and stuff and friends are good to have. no need to feel horrible. if Y does happen to have a change of heart, let us know i guess....
me: alright, well i have to head out now, but im glad we had a chat. have a good night, and we will talk again sometime in the future
not once did i mention the NEAR future. i was hoping that he got everything off of his chest, and we could chat every once in a while to catch up and that would be it...
L: cool...well write back later if you want
L: drop a line (or email) anytime..or even call! :) 9**-4**-****8 g'night
i though for sure we were going to get his pager number, fax number, work number for him and the guy in the cubicle beside him in case he happend to step away from his desk for a moment...i left my MSN on while i brushed my teeth and gave Y the short version of L's rants and let him know that he was kinda creeping me out now. he just seemed so intense about the whole thing. like i understand being upset if you really like people, but sometimes durring the conversation i felt like we just left him at the altar! i came back to check my email before bed about 15 mins after i was talking to L and there was this message to me...
L: you forget to sign off?
5 mins later...
L: ?
i shake my head and turn my MSN off.
L: what's the skinny? (what does that term mean? anyone ever ask what's the fat?)
a few mins go by...
L: uh oh i scared her away
me: no im here...just searching for something....
L: np... so rumor has it we're kind of a no-go? :)
me: yeah... sorry about that....we really like the two of you as people, just dont want the sexual stuff anymore. :(
L: well shouldn't do anything with anyone unless it's what you want...i mean ultimately this kind of experience needs to be about having fun with people you have a connection with (personality/attraction)...
thats really all he needed to say, but apparantly he had a lot to get off of his chest...
L: from what we've done, personality can go a long way (for instance, there was one woman who i thought was stunning but had the personality of an old shoe...actually an old shoe would probably have a lot of personality so make that a brand new shoe fresh off the assembly line) anyway it was weird...not that fun. then we've met other people that are reasonably attractive (not REALLY but not bad-looking) but who are lots of fun anyway and then there's some that fit both, which is always great. just surprised i guess that you guys aren't really into us that way; i'm usually decent at reading people but guess can't be right all the time.
me: well, its not exactly what Y is looking for. but again, we really do like the both of you ...just not sexually
L: yeah we like you guys too...you said not exactly what Y is looking for -- so is it something not meshing from his standpoint but not the same problem from your standpoint? just trying to get it
me: yeah, i liked you both. but Y isnt attracted to a lot of smoking and drinking. just a difference in lifstyle that he isnt attracted to. but i am really glad that T was my first girly experience!
and now the flood gates really open and L starts to talk...and talk.........and talk.......L: wow...didn't realize that was gonna be a deal-breaker. i don't drink very much (T does sometimes, more so in social situations -- including swinging ones) and sure, T does smoke but she's respectful of other people (she won't smoke in a home that is smoke-free for example). well hey, you've gotta have your principles. a thing that could mean nothing to one person could mean everything to another. everyone's got their own line to draw. some people would avoid people who snort coke or do E or smoke pot (we don't do drugs -- we have done pot before in the past but not really our thing anyway). or they'll avoid axe murderering leprechauns (that's a pretty standard one actually)
at this point i had a feeling that there was an underlying "thats a stupid reason to break up with us" tone in his type...
L: i don't know -- i think my thing when it comes to any vice is i sort of put it as: how does this affect a person's fundamental personality and behaviour? if they function normally and the vice is just part of them, then it's under control. if the vice is so deep into them that it runs them and their life is completely planned around catering to that vice without any room for leeway, that's usually dangersville (y'know like people who go on 3-day benders and then go for a drive or gambling addicts who take their paycheque straight to the casino etc). boy do i ramble. we like you guys...just feel frustrated....i mean, some people might not find us attractive (yeah, hard to imagine ;) -- kidding of course). and there was one couple that for some reason found me creepy (apparently, after we and they had exchanged sevearl sets of pix, me asking for pix another time was "creepy" -- go figure). and some people maybe just don't have compatible personalities -- i mean, that can be a huge problem. some people just don't have chemistry and it doesn't work. (then again somewhere out there, there's some guy going "Why don't the ladies like me? I don't live in a crack house; it's a crack HOME.")
me: i know what youre saying. i guess the smoking thing isnt big to me since i used to be a smoker, but for Y its a big thing...more so that he really thought i guess. i quit 2 weeks before i met him and we both think that we would never have gotten together if i was still a smoker when i first met him
L: weird...i used to be a die-hard anti-smoker. i think the school system drilled that into me. but i had 4.5 good years with my ex (well...maybe not all of them were good but most were and i can't fault smoking for those that weren't). and if I was still thinking that way, i'd have never found T. sure, one could argue that had i not found her, perhaps i'd have found someone else and so i'd never know what i was missing. but i love T with everything i've got and if i don't even like to think about what my life would be life if i hadn't met her. not that i'm just a fragment of a person without her or anything but she brings so much to my life and i like to think i do the same to hers. you guys seem really happy too -- i don't know, not trying to get all preachy but is it something so awful that it would mean the difference between potentially a lifetime of love or not? then, like i said, everyone's got their values and their limits. none are necessarily right or wrong. everyone's just gotta decide for themselves what truly matters.
ok, now hes talking about life-time love? so he loves T and she smokes...but we arent looking to fall in love with them. hes starting to creep me out a little bit...
L: hell, even though we have a home that has smoke in it, T will smoke outside (and have others do the same) for parties and stuff because she doesn't like non-smokers to feel uncomfortable (if it bothered me enough, she'd smoke outside too but i like her to feel comfortable also...i'd like her to quit and she wants to also...but i want her to quit when it's time for her to do it -- i tried to nag my ex into quitting and all it led to was 4 unsuccessful and stressful attempts and a lot of fighting
me: yeah, but even though i dont mind smoke, i dont think i could date a smoker now....for me its the fact of watching someone i love kill themselves, but you know...everyone has what they find attractive. its just a huge turn off for Y.
how many times do i have to say that? does he think durring his rambling Y is suddenly going to decide that he is wonderfully attracted to smoking?
L: i mean if before i'd met T someone had said "okay so she smokes, used to be a sex addict when she had self-esteem issues, has a pathological fear of needles and will become diabetic which will be a nightmare in some ways" -- i might have run screaming and never looked back. most people do one thing or another that is destructive either to themselves or to others (or both) in some way. could be smoking, drinking, drugs, could be physical abuse, sexual abuse, could be committing crimes (which means you're visiting them in jail), could be gambling, could be fatty foods, too much caffeine, being a workaholic, having a disease, being self-obsessed, being judgmental ,being racist or homophobic or part of a satanic cult or sexist or any number of other things across the spectrum: physical,emotional, spiritual, psychological,sexual. any of the above is arguably bad; sometimes very bad. love can be blind to these things -- sometimes it's better that it is; sometimes not
as you can see, ive typed about two sentances to him...he just keeps going. im not sure if he is upset about our decision, or mad at some underlying dislike in his relationship...
L continues: then again, swingers can be an odd bunch -- when you pledge your life to someone you love, you need to make sure you're both pretty matched up. but if it's another couple, you can be like "oh so you're dying eh? wow...yeah, that's um...yeah that's too bad. wow. annnnnnyway, it's been a slice. of CRAP, that is! haha! sucks to be you!" not everyone is quite so cold though....
me: rambly mc ramblton...thats what i'll call you but also with swingers we are all really here to have fun sexually with people we are attracted to. if there is something that one is not attracted to then its a deal breaker for both
L: tis true; that's the way she blows (so to speak...arrrrrr). and it can be frustrating at times if one feels one way and one feels the other but when in doubt or when there's disagreement, always better to go with the one who's not comfortable. T and i have felt the same way: if either of us is a "no", it's a no. it should never be any other way.
me: indeed
L: we're both kind of sad and disappointed that Y feels that way but if it's how he feels, he's got that right and it's not the kind of thing that's to be debated or reasoned out: gut feelings are needed in this type of deal. it's gotta be comfortable. if he happens to change his mind, cool but not counting on. besides, once we feel not wanted, kinda hard to work that anyway (well take the couple that found me creepy -- not like i'm in a big hurry to want to do stuff with them anytime soon -- why would i want to be around someone who finds me creepy when so many people don't?). you guys do seem like cool people though...and attractive (well Y's not quite my type of course but T likes him...and of course we both like you :)) ok now it's your turn to ramble mindlessly ;0
me: ha, we never wanted to make you feel unwanted. :( man do i feel horrible. i really hope that we can still have fun without sex if we run into eachother again
L: i'm sure we can...you guys are fun people and stuff and friends are good to have. no need to feel horrible. if Y does happen to have a change of heart, let us know i guess....
me: alright, well i have to head out now, but im glad we had a chat. have a good night, and we will talk again sometime in the future
not once did i mention the NEAR future. i was hoping that he got everything off of his chest, and we could chat every once in a while to catch up and that would be it...
L: cool...well write back later if you want
L: drop a line (or email) anytime..or even call! :) 9**-4**-****8 g'night
i though for sure we were going to get his pager number, fax number, work number for him and the guy in the cubicle beside him in case he happend to step away from his desk for a moment...i left my MSN on while i brushed my teeth and gave Y the short version of L's rants and let him know that he was kinda creeping me out now. he just seemed so intense about the whole thing. like i understand being upset if you really like people, but sometimes durring the conversation i felt like we just left him at the altar! i came back to check my email before bed about 15 mins after i was talking to L and there was this message to me...
L: you forget to sign off?
5 mins later...
L: ?
i shake my head and turn my MSN off.
by dirtyalana @ 7:02 p.m.-
