present day

for one day only (until i get caught up) im going to step out of the archives, put them on hold for one post, and jump to today.

Y and i got in a fight this morning. not unusual for a couple to get into a fight and really not unusual for us! but today, for some reason, it has really gotten to me. i was sooo angry when i left for work, worrying that the few tears that had squeezed their way out on the subway had smudged my make-up. there was a sick feeling in my stomach that i left the house angry at him, and all day i have been thinking back to around september of last year, before we started swinging. we went through a rough spot where i seemed to be angry at him all the time. constantly the dull sensation of empniness inside me. i thought he was cheating on me. he wasnt. they say that good things come of bad situations. i guess i knew before, but back then, that situation made me realize that i loved him.

i know some people may be thinking "i thought this blog was about swinging. wheres the tits? wheres the ass? whats all this emotional crap??" or "would you really care that much if he was cheating on you? doesnt he fool around with other girls all the time in front of you?" a portion of swinging is about raw sexual energy. the kissing, the touching, the licking and fucking, but i also want this to be real. for you to feel what i do...what we do. we dont just go out and fuck other people. we are a real couple, with the same love and desire and pain and hurt as anyone else. if Y was to cheat on me it would kill me. it wouldnt be the fact that he slept with another girl. obviosly i have the ability to differentiate between sex and love and know that the two dont have to be connected in any way. that you can indulge in the pleaseures of human flesh without wanting to spend the rest of your life with that person. its the betrayal that would drive the knife in deep, twisting into my heart.

we are real. we are in love. and some days we choose to stay in and cuddled on the couch instead of partisipating in group sex.

as the day goes on my anger has faded and the love (that is always ruminating around, even during a fight) is filling me up and giving me a hug. i want to kiss him. hold him. and feel his stubble prickle my face as he kisses me back.




i wrote the below back in sept when i thought he was cheating on me...before i told him i loved him.

does she?
does she see your lip twitch when you think?
does she misspell her words too?
does she laugh when you try to sing?
does she know youre favourite colours blue?
does she dream of your next kiss?....
does she know youre kissing me too?
does she like you more than you think?

i do.